I’m a writer.
God has called me to write here.
I’ve had so many struggles doing so because I don’t feel worthy. I’ve had a picture in my head of the person who IS worthy to write here, and it’s not been me.
But here I am.
I’ve had to put up boundaries with my boyfriend of two-and-a-half years because he is making choices that I can’t support, and I need distance to protect my heart and peace. The future is uncertain. It’s painful. People close to us have opinions. They blurt out these opinions. I have struggled at moments to trust myself. To trust my ability to hear the Holy Spirit.
What I do believe the Holy Spirit is telling me clearly are two things:
- “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still” (Exodus 14:14).
- The story is not over yet.
In every relationship I’ve been in, save the last one in which he left me (but which I prayed deep in the night to be saved from because I knew it wasn’t God’s best), I’ve found the courage to follow the Holy Spirit’s directives and leave. Most all of these relationships were with people who didn’t share my faith, so I kinda knew the relationship wouldn’t last anyway.
But this one started with two people believing God was drawing them together, and we received a lot of confirmation. But we have struggled. Me with major insecurities I had to work through and him with his issues. Still, God gave us a deep love for one another built on the foundation that we both believed that God had a purpose and a future for us and that it was worth working on our relationship. We both believed God allowed us to be together earlier, answering our heart cries for our person, and saying, “Have at it. I’ll be here. But it will be harder at times. But here’s your person.” But it hasn’t all been hard. Gosh, I love this man and his sweet heart, the way he picks me flowers like a little boy and presents them to me (as well as tons of real bouquets), our dollar-store ice cream and beach runs, our sing-alongs to ’90s music in the car, his arm around my shoulders in church, the ways God would speak to his heart and mine showing me that He was in fact here, how he’d bite his lip in deep concentration when he cooked me a meal because food and cooking are a deep passion and gift of his, how he’d smile at me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world and he couldn’t believe I chose him. I could go on, but my heart says stop. They get it. There’s balance. I’m tearing up as I write this.
Because the time has come for me to let go and let God. The future is uncertain. But I do know and believe I will follow the Holy Spirit. While I do have and believe deeply in wise counsel in my life, I also have a tendency to follow loud, assertive voices and opinions over trusting in my own relationship with Jesus and my own ability to hear what the Holy Spirit is telling me. (Codependency is not just in romantic relationships.) And so far, I am hearing these two things, paraphrased:
- Have peace. I got this. Let ME fight this battle.
- There is still hope. The story is not over yet.
So for now I am trying to focus on me, pray, and maintain hope. I also kept seeing this little pack of sticky notes at the dollar store, so I finally bought it. It says, “Create Your Own Sunshine.” I’m gonna use it to write happy things, whether one thing a day to do that is happy or a gratitude list. Maybe both and stick the two notes in my planner each week. I choose hope. I choose to believe God’s story here is not done. But I also believe I will follow God where He leads me in this relationship, even if it means closing the door completely. That’s hard to type. It hurts. But I have done it before, and I will do it again. If it’s God’s will.
I want His best. I am doing my best to follow Him. This I do know.
I am since coming to believe that my calling as a writer, which includes writing what I’ve learned about Christ-centered dating, is not because I am perfect. And the more I learn the backstories or follow the strong Christian women I have put on pedestals for so long, I see that despite the Instagram smiles and fashions, they have struggles. Like hard-core ones. In fact, one of my main role models in writing and future ministry, Lysa TerKeurst, has gone through more this past year than someone should have to go through in a lifetime. But as someone who feels called to write about relationships yet feels unworthy and struggles to understand the pains that have come with the beauty in it, Lysa’s openness about her marriage journey—her husband’s alcoholism and infidelity—as well as her continued faith and ministry despite inspires me and gives me hope. And while I don’t know the end result of my relationship story, her posts lately speak to a miracle of healing God is working in their lives. And while I am learning not to put man or woman on a pedestal but to trust the Holy Spirit’s voice first and foremost, seeking out stories of hope when the Holy Spirit is telling me it’s okay to hope gives me LIFE. And looking back on Lysa’s post last year when she announced her decision to pursue a divorce, one thing stands out. Thank you, Lord, for leading me to this:
Many people think Proverbs 31 is a picture of a perfect woman; but the Proverbs 31 woman is, at her core, someone who seeks the Lord in everything she does and trusts Him wholeheartedly with her life. Our mission is to meet women where they are in the real, hard places we all experience, and to intersect God’s Word right there. We are simply a group of women sold out to saying yes to God—and He truly does the rest. (From “Rejection, Heartache, and a Faithful God,” lysaterkeurst.com)
I choose hope. I need hope. My heart aches, but I believe God is not done with my story, and I hope “our” story, and that He will guide me. He always has and always will. I just need to give Him room. And I am saying in faith that I believe He is looking over my boyfriend and me and that He sees the end from the beginning. He sees the whole picture. I choose to believe the story is not done yet, even if for me, I have to put the “book” down for a while. To do my best to give God space and room. To take my hands off.
Give me peace, Lord, Give me courage to declare your truth aloud, Lord. Give me boldness. Give me a hunger for your word and a faith that moves mountains. Give me trust and a deeper relationship with you. Give me what I need for the journey. Amen.
In the meantime, feel free to put us on your prayer list. Love you, all. Sending prayers to you all.